I Still Look For You
by RISVULove
Summary: Oneshot. *Character Death* How does a person deal with loosing someone they love? Supporting others is key, even if all you feel like doing is falling asleep and never waking up.


I Still Look For You:

I walk into the cold apartment, my stomach still in knots. I can't believe you're actually gone, just taken away like that, taken from me. From us.

I look down the the slumbering girl in my arms and can't help the tears that escape my eyes

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

I lay her down on the couch and it's only now I realize how alike you both are. God, she's you're copy, her beautiful blonde hair just like yours. Even how she sleeps, tense but still relaxed, it's you all over.

She stirs in her uneasy rest that comes from pure exhaustion, same as me, I can't sleep alone, not after 8 years of you by my side.

I hoist her into my arms and carry her to our bed, laying her down on my side, and I lay on your side. Your pillow still smells of your perfume - vanilla, raspberries and you.

I bury myself into the soft material and cherish the feeling of comfort. I wish my mind had the same comfort but it doesn't, I spend every waking moment reliving our life together, every laugh, every fight, every 'I love you'.. everything.

How will I go on without you?

I sigh as I feel her small tap on my shoulder "Ma?"

I look up to her and see her ice blue eyes filled with tears

I don't even need to ask her what she needs, I open my arms and she snuggles into my embrace

"It's alright baby" I say after a minute of running my fingers over her small arm and she turns back to me

"Mom was supposed to make my costume for the Christmas show in school" she says quietly and I smile

"How about me and you make it together? What are you dressed as?"

"A star"

I nod "We can make it at the weekend alright?"

"M'kay"

xx

I look around the office, the empty box in my hand and I hear the cough behind me

"Case?"

I look back and see Olivia behind me, a sympathetic look on her face

"You want a hand?"

I nod, not able to answer verbally at the fear of completely breaking down

She begins helping me sift through Alex's things and a silently thank god she's here, I don't know what'd happen if she wasn't

She pauses on a picture frame and I smile sadly, knowing what picture she's on, the only picture of her past Alex insisted of keeping after Wistec

"Keep it"

She looks up to me in surprise and shakes her head "No.. I.."

"I'm okay with it Liv. I know you and her were together before me, she loved you"

"Not even half as much as she loved you" she says as she slips the picture from the frame

I walk over and see the picture again, it's years since I've seen this

"She looks stunning" I breathe out and Olivia smiles sadly

"She does"

"I miss her" I admit and she nods

"You're her wife, of course you're going to miss her"

"But Olivia, that's the thing, it feels so utterly painful that I want to just stop everything. I want to cry and scream and curse whoever the hell took her away from me, from us. Do you know how horrible it is to try and console your grief struck daughter when you can't even console yourself?" I sigh, angry at myself for getting upset again

"...Olivia, I'm not living anymore, I'm just surviving without her"

I sit on the ground beside Olivia who takes my hand

"You have Andie and Case, she needs you. I know, you must feel absolutely shit but that girl feels just as lost and upset as you do. She lost one of the two most important people in her life. She needs you to tell her everything's alright"

"What if it's not alright Liv? What if... everything's not alright"

"Well then you just tell her it is. You smile and tell her Mom is looking down on you both, loving you, protecting you"

I nod "I-I.. just. Olivia, how the hell did you deal when Al was in Wistec?"

"Well, I cried and cried.. even though I knew she could always come back, I knew she wasn't actually gone... not like now. It.. it gets less painful Casey, being away from her, it's never going to get easy Casey but after a long time it doesn't feel as painful"

I nod and wipe my eyes "I need it to be less painful Liv, because I can't go on like this"

She pulls me close, and traces soothingly on my hand "You can, you can do it Casey..for Al, wouldn't she want you to be strong for Andie? She'd want you to protect your family"

"She would.." I nod and Liv squeezes my hand

"C'mon, let's go get Andie from Serena, we'll all get lunch?"

I look around the office and sigh "We can do this tomorrow, can't we?"

"Of course we can. Casey, it's only the day after the funeral, it's okay if you need time"

I nod as we walk towards the door and as we leave and I shut out the light, wondering will I ever gather the strength to support my daughter like she needs to be supported.

xx

"Ma?" Andie walks into the living room in her fluffy pajamas, her eyes still glazed over with sleep

"Yeah And?" I ask as she crawls up into my lap

"I miss Mom" she almost sobs and I kiss her forehead

"Me too baby girl"

"Can we look at the photo book again?" She asks and I smile and reach for the album under the coffee table

I flip open the first page and smile as I see the photo, Alex holding Andie. Probably the best moment of my life. Watching my wife cradle our daughter, a look of pure adornment on her face

I flip through more photos, Andie's first birthday, holidays, Christmases, things like that. These photos have been seen more in the last 3 days than in the last 5 years.

I guess you appreciate memories more when they're all you have left...

I look down to Andie who's fast asleep in my arms. I run my hand through her hair

"I love you baby"

I briefly look down to the photos and take a steady breath as I bring the small piece of card to my lips

"Love you too Alex"

I slip the photo back into the first piece of protective film and leave the book back under the table

I carry the girl to the bedroom and lat her on my side of the bed, again deciding to sleep on Alex's side. Needing familiarity, normality.. something.

I turn on our bedside lamp and crawls into bed. Our bed..

I watch her slumber briefly before my eyes drift shut and I fall into a dreamless sleep, if I'm lucky.


End file.
